Lap Dance

Photo Project

2006-06-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to scan in all my grandparents' own photos and give them explanatory captions, and then keep them on CDs as sort of a family history project. It's going to be a huge job. Has anyone done anything like this before? Any tips or software suggestions? Any organization ideas?

Shopping Spree Total: $673

We Sold Our House

2006-06-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

My weight this morning is 154, and thus I have lost all the weight I regained. I'm ready to go south again now.

We sold our house this morning. It only took two weeks since we listed it. I'm quite surprised that it sold so quickly, although I'm grateful. Keeping the house in showing-condition cleanliness is a pain in the ass.

We're set to close on August 7, so that gives a whole new sense of urgency to our house hunting. If we don't find something soon, we're going to have to live in an apartment for a while. Moving twice would blow.

Shopping Spree Total: $688

Appointment with Dr. Horgan

2006-06-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

My appointment with Dr. Horgan this afternoon went well. I weighed in at 154, and that was down 14 since the last time I was there. He was delighted, and effused about how good I look. He's not normally an effusive dude. He looked at my band under fluoro, and said it looked great. He said I was still quite tight, and that he didn't want to make me tighter. I told him about how I'll wake up choking if I eat close to bedtime. He wasn't concerned, but agreed that I should simply not eat before bedtime. He said that if it happened even when I avoided late eating, then we'd take out some fluid and let the irritation die down.

We spent this evening doing some investigation on the neighorborhood of that house I wrote about. I figured a Friday night in lovely summer weather would be prime bad-bahavior time in a bad neighborhood. I was right. It was way worse than we initially thought, and there's no way I could walk through that neighborhood to and from the train.

We decided to go the nearest police precinct to see what the cops had to say about the neighborhood. Our concerns were confirmed. They were very surprised to see us. I asked them if they thought we'd be unwelcome in the neighborhood because we're white, and one of them laughed and said, "No, you'd be very welcome. You'd have better stuff to steal." Not one of them said they'd be willing to live in that 'hood at any price. They said that we couldn't leave a pile of dirt in the yard without it getting stolen.

So, it looks like that place isn't the Mecca we thought it might be. Bummer.

Book Reviews

2006-06-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have listened to a few good books lately.

The Tenth Circle, Jodi Piccoult: Parents and their teenage daughter struggle after the daughter reports an alleged date rape, and as the parents deal with adultery. The plot unfolds in a cunning way, become a bit of a mystery story. Compelling characters. One of the commenters on here suggested Piccoult, and she was totally right. I've requested all her other books.

A Man Without A Country, Kurt Vonnegut: Very short (2 CDs), this book is basically Vonnegut's first person rant about the state of politics and culture today. It's just the right length; any longer would have been self-indulgent.

Everyone Worth Knowing, Lauren Weisenberg: An Average Jane gets a job as a society party planner in the New York social scene. I don't usually go for chick lit (smut novels, oh yes, but not chick lit), but this was pretty good because the characters were original and compelling.

On the Way Down Again

2006-06-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I weighed in this morning, and even though I'm in the midst of being slammed by my period, I weighed 153.5. Down a pound for the week, and equal to my lowest weight. Now we're going down again.

Does anyone else have weird period symptoms? I don't get cramps or really put on weight, but my hips, knees and ankles get achy, and it feels like a mild flu sans nausea.

We've been looking at houses in Chicago all week, and I've barely been home. We think we may have found a place. It's a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath townhouse right on Douglas Park on the west side. The townhouse is absolutely perfect. It's three floors with a one-car garage in a gated subdivision. The first floor is an open kitchen, dining and living room area with a utility room and half bath. The second floor is three bedrooms and two baths, and the biggest bedroom opens onto a large balcony. The entire third floor is the master suite, containing two walk-in closets, a massive bathroom, a good size study and a big bedroom. It also opens onto its open balcony. It's amazing.

However, it's in a neighborhood that is fairly poor. It seems pretty safe, but it doesn't have any restaurants in short walking distance. We intend to do a lot of investigating to find out whether it'd be safe and a solid investment.

We got another offer on our house this afternoon. It's not a great price, but it's not contingent, so we can work it out, I think.

An offer!

2006-06-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

After our house has been on the market one week, we have already gotten an offer. It's not a good one, and it's contingent, but it's interest!

To my great surprise, Mr. Kennedy has been straightening up the house every morning before I get up to get it ready for the day's showings. I didn't even have to ask him to do it. When I get up, all I have to do is pick up after myself, and the house is good to go. What bliss. And what shock. :)

Shopping Spree Total:$678

Strange Occurrences

2006-06-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so, I've noticed that if I eat within an hour of bedtime, or even drink a lot, I often will reflux it up during the night and wake up choking on whatever was in my stomach. No acid, just food or drink. I've remedied it by not eating close to bedtime, but I thought I'd put it out there for knowledge or discussion.

Another Court Appearance

2006-06-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Kennedy and I are lounging on the couch this evening watching our Tivo backlog of Most Haunted episodes.

I appeared in court again today on that pro bono parentage case. It went largely as I had expected it to, and as a result I was better prepared and did a better job. I was surprised at how un-nervous I was this time. We were arguing over these additional terms that the father wants incorporated into the visitation/child support order. I actually won most of the issues, and both I and the client were pretty pleased with the results.

I've been eating like a pig lately, and yet I was still at 155.5 this morning. I have to get my act together, as I have to go see Dr. Horgan soon for a fill before my year of free fills is up, and I totally don't want to explain why I'm not at his goal yet. He can be a scary dude when you know he's right.

Dearborn Park

2006-06-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

I found a for sale by owner property this afternoon, so we drove over this evening to take a look. It was too small, but we took an hour to comb through the whole neighborhood looking for other units for sale. We got a few leads.

I'm listening to a good book right now: The Tenth Circle, by Jody Piccoult. Someone on here suggested Jody Piccoult's My Sister's Keeper, and when that wasn't available right away I checked this one out instead. It's about this couple and their teenage daughter. She comes home one night claiming she was date-raped. At first it's presented that the rape unequivocally happened, but now little facts keep coming out and now the rape claim is starting to maybe unravel. Meanwhile the parents are trying to bounce back from infidelity.

Another awesome book that I've been listening to is The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. A Baptist minister from Georgia drags his wife and four daughters to the Belgian Congo to be missionaries in 1969-ish. It's right as Belgium granted Congo its independence, and all hell totally breaks loose. The daughters each take turns narrating, and the five year old's take on their new life is hilarious. I'm holding off on the rest of it because I want Mr. Kennedy to listen to it with me.

I also listened to Jude Deveraux's The Blessing and The Mulberry Tree. Both were fairly typical romances. Good, but with large logical gaps. But pretty decent reads. Both of them could have used more sex scenes.

House Hunting

2006-06-04T18:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Kennedy and I went house hunting today. We're looking in the neighborhoods just west of the Chicago Loop by the campus of the University of Illinois at Chicago. We went to two showings, and then started scrounging around for open houses. In the end, we walked for four hours, around and around the neighborhood.

I like house hunting, as I like seeing how other people live as much as I like picking out a new place. Mr. Kennedy is not such a big fan, but he's being an excellent sport so far. He's far pickier than I am, so I think he's just coming with me all the time to make sure his needs are met.

At the end of the trip we took a realtor's suggestion and took a drive through the Dearborn Park area of the Loop. It's all townhouses, and we fell in love. Whether it's in our price range may be another story.

I Won!

2006-05-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

I played another match for my racquetball league tonight, and I actually won a game. Soundly. No one is more shocked than me. I was busy all weekend, so I hadn't played in a while. I was rusty. But that was okay, because I won my first racquetball game against someone who isn't Mr. Kennedy. She'd been playing for three years.

A Feeling I've Longed For

2006-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend one of my husband's best friends married one of my friends from college. We introduced them years ago, and they've been together ever since. Mr. Kennedy was the best man.

I wore a black Ralph Lauren dress that I bought in New York when I was in law school. I found it at Filene's Basement (a girl's best friend) on the Upper West Side, and I have always loved it. It's sleeveless and falls just below my knees, and has a fairly low-cut vee neck. I threw on some slutty black shoes and I was ready to go.

My husband runs around with the groom's other friends fairly regularly, but for one reason or another I'd never met most of them. They were all in the wedding party so we hung out all day. I talked sports with them and joked around.

Some of them made comments to Mr. Kennedy about him having a hot wife, and several of them said something about how they really liked me. I just got the feeling that they thought I was good looking, and they thought Mr. Kennedy was lucky to have a wife like me.

My husband, as you all have come to know, is a pretty special man. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good wife to him, to make it easy for people to see why he would love me. Especially in the looks department, because I'm pretty enough but not crazy hot or anything. I've always felt well-qualified in the resume department, but not in the looks department.

Tonight was different. If they weren't married, any one of those guys would have taken me home. And I've never felt like that before. In fact, Mr. Kennedy even crowed a bit on the way home about how so many guys coveted his wife. I've always wanted him to feel that way about me, and tonight he did. And he couldn't take me to bed fast enough when we got home. I was Cinderella tonight.

Ann Taylor Junkie

2006-05-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Mr. Kennedy and I went shopping today, and picked out some super-cute clothes at Ann Taylor. I picked up a fuschia skirt with brown stripes on the clearance rack for $19.99. Then I got a navy blue summer sweater, a navy shell/shrug set, and a navy and white flippy skirt. And, my friends, all were a size 8. Yesterday I bought a white crochet sweater for $14 at Kohl's. So it's time to take some money out of the old shopping spree total.

I have 15 pounds to go, since I weighed 154.5 (down three for the week) this morning, and I guess I'd better seriously start hitting the gym to both lose the weight and work up enough money to go bananas on Banana Republic pants. I like them because I can get them at the outlet store for cheaper, they look nice, and they're washable.

Shopping Spree Total: $822 - $14 - $170= $638

Off to a Good Restart

2006-05-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I had a racquetball match last night, and I think I had my best game so far. My opponent had played for about twenty years, and I lost 15-2, 15-4, 15-7. I'm definitely getting better.

I weighed 155.5 this morning, down 2 pounds so far. That's pretty awesome.

I've listened to several books lately, some of which were better than others:

Poisonwood Bible: I'm only halfway through, but it was so good that I'm waiting for Mr. KEnnedy to get

The State of My Weight

2006-05-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes. I should update you on the subject that this blog's supposed to cover. If I have ever tried to convince you that I am not an emotional eater, I will never try to do that again. Because I am. Once I got busy with my pro bono case from hell, I ate everything that was in a ten-mile radius. Except that this was offset by the whole three-day period in which I was so stress-tightened that I subsisted on iced tea and cottage cheese. Thanks, band. It wasn't comfortable, but it was effective. I didn't throw up a lot or anything; I just got that feeling where the band says, "Yeah, that's not going to happen, so why don't we try something else?" So I didn't push it. For once.

Moving on to an area in which I am not so wise, I have developed an intolerance for soda. My God, why hath thou forsaken me? No, I shouldn't look at it that way. I got the surgery thinking I wouldn't be able to have it ever again, so I guess I should count the ten months that I could as a temporary reprieve. Soda is pretty much an insta-barf for me, and my office waste can was very much relieved when I finally figured out that this reaction was not a temporary thing. The secretary that sits outside my office probably thinks I'm bulimic. Although band-barfs tend to be quieter than the old pre-band retching. Tastes better, too. Okay, that was probably too far.

I weighed myself this morning for the first time this week, and I weight 157.5. Not great, but considering the last few weeks, I'm fine with it. Time to regroup and start down again. I haven't been very good about working out this week. Today I have been very good abut my eating. Everyone's got to start (or restart) somewhere.

A Middle Eastern restaurant opened up right by my office, and they have a roast turkey platter that I've been eating a lot. That and pita with their delightful hummus. Yum. Makes for a good break from Taco Fresco.

Apologies!

2006-05-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in so long. I hope someone even still checks it. For those of you who have checked in on me, thank you. There is absolutely nothing wrong, no worries. A confluence of events have conspired to tie up most of my time lately.

First, my laptop's hard drive got fried by a virus, and it took me a week to get it replaced and up to speed.

The last few weeks have been eventful for the Kennedy household. Mr. Kennedy began his new job for in a food manufacturing facility on the South Side. He is in charge of a production line; however, it's a little different than a regular food line. The line produces only kosher foods. MR. Kennedy has to work with an in-house rabbi, who makes sure that the production techniques comply with Jewish rules, and who blesses the line. Apparently kosher foods are very popular, even for people who do not keep kosher as a religious principle.

As a result of Mr. Kennedy's new job, we have the opportunity to move into the city. We are currently preparing the house to be sold. Getting a house ready to show is such hard work, both getting it into perfect shape and then keeping it that way. We plan to put it on the market after Memorial Day. As soon as we catch our breath, we'll start looking for a new place. We're thinking that we'd like to live in the new area south of the Loop.

A couple weeks ago, the pro bono coordinator at work asked me if I'd take on the case of a young mother who needed an order of protection and to settle a custody dispute. It guaranteed that I'd get to go to court, which never happens for junior associates at large firms.

Like the saying goes, this good deed has not gone unpunished. I met with the client, and it turns out that this case has been raging for three years, and has a huge binder of filings to go with it. It took me three days straight to get up to speed on what has gone on. She had an emergency order of protection, and needed me to obtain for her a permanent order of protection. I only had a week to get up to speed on the case and prepare for the order of protection hearing, which would be my first-ever appearance in court. I was so nervous, and as a result my band was so tight, that I could only keep down liquids for three days prior to the hearing.

I'm so glad I didn't know in advance how bad the hearing would truly be. Hearings for orders of protection are usually informal, fairly brief proceedings. Not this hearing. Not including recesses, I argued in that hearing for five hours. The other attorney objected constantly as I examined my witnesses, and I rarely won. The defendant, a felon out on parole, had been arrested again after his parole officer found five weapons in his house. The defendant had threatened my client with a particular handgun, and the cops had recovered the ammunition for that gun but not the gun itself. However, when I attempted to bring up anything about the gun arrest, the judge ruled that it was inadmissible because it was irrelevant. Well, that was the basis for the whole petition, so I really had to scramble then.

It was a brutal experience, but I'm very glad I did it. The judge is clearly sick of my client and the defendant. The judge mumbled so unintelligibly that I couldn't hear him even when I was standing two feet in front of him. He never made eye contact with anyone, so no one even knew who he was mumbling at. I don't think I'll be presented with more difficult circumstances too many times in my life, although I'll certainly face less favorable facts to work with. Despite its unpleasantness, I'm very glad I did it and got it out of the way. I have to go back this Friday to ask for a continuance, and then in June I'll have to argue both a petition for the defendant to pay the legal bills my client has racked up and argue against the defendant's motion to reconsider the judgment. I'll be a seasoned pro by fall.

This week was tough, too, because I had two response briefs due today. I got them both filed by 2:00 and went home to rest.

When I last posted, I noted that I joined a beginner's league. I've had a few games since then. All the other players have been playing for at least a year, so I get my butt kicked all the time, but at least I'm forced to get in a game a week so I'll get better. Of course, during my first match I got cracked right in the eye with the ball and got a shiner, just in time for my first meeting with my new client. But it's fun and I'm sticking with it. I've got a match tonight.

Confessions

2006-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

All this week my weight has been way up, so I was very pleasantly surprised to weigh in at 154.5, down 1.5 for the week. Frankly, I can't imagine how I managed to lose weight. I haven't worked out a single time this week, and I ate pretty badly too. I have been a bad, bad monkey. In fact, on Thursday I was so horrified by my weight that I read myself the riot act. I'm kind of scared that I'm going to put the weight back on, starting now.

To combat that, I'm going to force myself to go to the gym this afternoon. My new racquetball league starts this week. I am woefully underprepared cardiovascularly for all that sprinting, but I'm still looking forward to it.

Shopping

2006-04-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

As I gazed over my wardrobe this morning, it occurred to me that I only have about five tops to wear to work for the summer. That won't do. Mr. Kennedy and I traiped off to Kohl's to see what there is to see. I got three cotton button-ups and a spring sweater on the clearance rack, and a chocolate brown shell that I need to wear under a couple of suits. I hardly spent any money, so that's cool. I need to add it up and take it out of the shoppng spree total.

Reading Lists

2006-04-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

This week I've listened to two books. I listened to A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, and I really liked it. The premise is that these four very different Londoners each go individually to an apartment tower roof on New Year's Eve intending to kill themselves. I think it is particularly poignant if you have ever experienced depression. Some of the characters are very eloquent on the topic of what that feels like. But it's an interesting book for anyone because of the way the characters interact.

I also listened to John Grisham's The Street Lawyer. While it was not a drag, neither was it a very good book. The conflict was far too easily resolvable to carry a whole book, and the main character makes huge choices that are inexplicable due to a lack of sufficient character development. Basically, a big-firm lawyer has a traumatic experience that leads him to leave his affluent career and become a poverty lawyer at a Washington, D.C., clinic. It's good commuting reading, I suppose.

I'm still looking for book recommendations - college and law school have taught me to read very quickly, so I mow through books and am always looking for something new to read.

My next book on tape is going to be Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier, and on paper I'm reading Daunte's The Divine Comedy. I haven't seen the movie of Cold Mountain because I loathe Nicole Kidman and I think Renee Zellweger looks exactly like a mouse in a toxin experiment. Their powers combined prevent me from ever seeing it. I did like Renee Zellweger in Chicago, but I think I was blinded by the beauty of Catherine Zeta-Jones, who could probably compel me to go lesbian if the opportunity ever arose. I'll never forget how amazing she looked in every shot of Intolerable Cruelty.

Floundering

2006-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get back on track. Mr. Kennedy comes back from his parents' tonight, so I hope that will help. Argh.

I listened to "How To Be Good" by Nick Hornby while reviewing documents today. It was unbelievably boring. Good Lord.

Surgery Went Well

2006-04-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

The elder Mrs. Kennedy's surgery went fine today. I was there all day, and got back home tonight at 9:00. Mr. Kennedy's dad couldn't take off work, so Mr. Kennedy is staying with his mom tonight and tomorrow to keep an eye on her. So I'm living the single life for a short time.

Man, the idea of getting our house ready to show is hugely daunting. I didn't have a job the last time we did it, and I devoted all my time to getting it ready and keeping it clean. But doing it with more than a full time job? Uggh. I'm thinking that I may hire the deep clean done, and then have a cleaning service until it's sold. I don't relish the idea of having a cleaning person - seems a little bourgeois to me - but I also don't relish the idea of having to clean every waking minute that I'm not at work. I also know that Mr. Kennedy will either not help, or help but act like he's the most put-upon wretch in the western hemisphere. Both approaches are guaranteed to piss me off, and a pissed off me creates domestic disharmony. I don't care how much Zoloft you throw into the mix.

Easter Festivities

2006-04-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

Mr. Kennedy and I headed to my grandmother's for my family's Easter festivities today. That weird tightness remained, and I really struggled with noodles and other things. Mr. Kennedy baked a double-chocolate rum cake with a raspberry-rum glaze (is that quite boozy enough for you?), and I virtuously stayed out of it. Of course, a small part of that virtue was actually spite - I didn't eat it in small part because I was a little twirked that his cake turned out much better than my chocolate hazelnut tarts. :)

We had the traditional full-contact egg hunt, and then the traditional egg toss contest. My four-year-old cousin entered for the first time this year, and in the first round, his dad tossed the egg gently to him. It arced toward the little boy, and splattered right on his forehead. He looked stunned for a second, and then began laughing his head off. To his immense credit, he was not the slightest bit perturbed by the mess or the shock, and was a great sport about everyone laughing. He thought it was hilarious, and tried to peg his dad with an egg for the rest of the contest.

Mr. Kennedy's mother is having major surgery tomorrow. Despite my notable lack of warm feelings in her direction, I'm taking the day off work and going to the hospital. Mr. Kennedy is worried, so I'm going to go entertain him while she's in surgery.

Quick Weight Report

2006-04-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Weighed in at 156 today, down 1.5.

Spontaneous Tightness

2006-04-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

I've often read about people whose bands get inexplicably tighter all of a sudden, without a fill. Given my crappy history with restriction, I never thought I'd be one of those people. But I might be. I've been having a ton of trouble getting food down without getting stuck. Soda was a no-go today. Everything seemed to be sitting uncomfortably, as though it was barely staying down. We'll see if this newfound tightness sticks around.

Mr. Kennedy's New Job

2006-04-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Mr. Kennedy has been looking for a new job for several weeks, and he finally got a job offer today. He interviewed for it a month ago, and we were starting to give up hope. Blissfully, it was his first job of choice. He's very excited, and I'm excited for him.

I'm also very excited for me. We live in the west suburbs now, but his new job is just south of the city. I work downtown. So we're going to move into the city to be closer to both our jobs. That's great because Mr. Kennedy's job was the only reason we moved out here - we both would much rather live in the city. The only problem is that I love the house we live in now.

So congratulations to Mr. Kennedy!

Busy Day

2006-04-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, did I have a busy day. I had to make the few edits my boss wanted on my motion. He had to go to court all day, so I got to talk to the client and solicit their input on it as well. Then I got to make all the arrangements to file it, and it was my signature on the motion when it went to the court house. It made me feel like a real-life, big-girl lawyer. I know it may sound stupid to be excited about this, but at a large law firm where I work, junior associates almost never have the last word on anything, and they never get to submit their own motions.

I adore the lawyer I work for on this case. He's in his fifties, I would guess; perhaps older, because his kids are all my age. Unlike the partners in my practice group, he asks me to write documents and then refrains from re-writing the whole thing. It just needs to be well-written, but not necessarily in his very words. I just love working for him. I consider him a friend as well as a boss.

I went to the gym after work, and when I got home Mr. Kennedy was feeling under the weather. I put him to bed and got bored, so I went back to the gym to burn off a few calories.

The local library came through for me yesterday, obtaining the CD recordings of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I'm ripping them for my MP3 player as we speak. But then, unfortunately, I'll be all through with the Harry Potter books, and will need some new material. Does anyone have any suggestions? Here are some of my favorite authors: Diana Gabaldon, Maeve Binchy, Tom Clancy (although his books get suckier and suckier), Mario Puzo. I'm trying to get more educated as well. College was super-easy for me; I got high grades without ever reading the books that I was assigned. As a result, I'm well-credentialed but not particularly well-read in the classics. I'm trying to remedy that, but damn, some of those books are a drag.

Classics I liked: Vanity Fair, Tender Is the Night, Tale of Two Cities, Gilgamesh, Catch 22

Classics that made me want to hang myself from boredom: Anna Karenina, War and Peace (I'm noticing a Russian trend), A Clockwork Orange

Shopping Spree Total: $722

Default

2006-04-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today was a rough one. I've been working on a case since I started my job almost two years ago, and it is set for hearing on a final motion to dismiss on Thursday morning. We moved to dismiss the complaint, and the plaintiff so far has not met any of the briefing schedule deadlines to oppose our motion. Then late this afternoon a motion for default judgment shows up on my desk. Usually default judgments are entered in favor of a party when the other side simply fails to do anything at all. Not only have we litigated this diligently, but we have a motion pending right now. To move for a default judgment is totally bizarre. So I had to stay until 10:00 to draft a response, because it has to be filed tomorrow in order to be heard at the hearing on Thursday morning.

Our firm has a policy that if you bill 10.5 hours in a day, you can order dinner and get reimbursed by the firm up to $50. Pretty generous. I ordered from Heaven on Seven, a cajun restaurant. They have a special called "No-Carb Jambalaya" that is spicy chicken, shrimp and andouille sausage in a tomato sauce, but no rice. I love that dish. I also ordered some mashed sweet potatoes, but they looked and tasted like baby food. They weren't good enough to justify the calories, so I junked them.

The Moment of Truth

2006-04-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of reckoning for my ridiculous lapse this past week. I weighed in at 157.5, up four pounds for the week. Yikes. Now, some of this is retained water, but I would bet that two pounds of it is bona-fide new-butt mass. I am back in control, on the wagon and ready to go.

This four pounds is really scary to me. It's astounding how fast I could put the weight back on if I was willing to let myself go. The binge also served a positive purpose: I've felt lousy all week, and then my blood sugar started acting up too. A bit of needed negative reinforcement.

Another benefit of Zoloft: I'm pretty pragmatic about my lapse. I wish it hadn't happened, but on the other hand I've been very good since the New Year, and that's a long time for a food junkie.

Shopping Spree Total: $702

Blood Sugar Issues

2006-04-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

All right, so I have been eating like an idiot all week. The first part of the week was a total lapse of commitment and willpower. The second half of the week has been a little different. My whole life I've struggled with blood sugar swings. When my blood sugar gets too low, I get dizzy and disoriented and cold and sweaty. Since surgery, I've only had this happen a couple of times. However this past week it happened Wednesday, Thursday and today.

This definitely happened because I ate a bunch of junk, and that made my blood sugar swing up and down. Let this be a lesson unto me. While I was having issues with this, I also consumed a bunch of calories in an effort to bring my blood sugar back up. Tomorrow's weigh-in will be brutal.

Java Diva's Question

2006-04-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

In the Comments section of the last entry, Java Diva asked a question that I think dovetails nicely with what I want to write about today:

I have a question for you about your sizes vs. weight. And anyone else out there reading for that matter. You are now zipping up a size 6 and weigh in at 153. Pre-band, were you ever that small? And if so, did you weigh less? And then, (a really stupid question) with all your're working out, do you think you could have done this well without the band-just by exercise and portion control. I know that may sound really stupid because, duh the whole reason to get banded is because you have trouble doing that, but now that you have done it post-band I was just wondering your thoughts on it. I am still really wanting to get banded, because I just know that this eating less and moving more thing will wear off, I'll just gain back more. I guess I just want to hear from somewhere that has been there and done that to confirm my worries, concerns, whatever.

The least amount that I remember weighing was in high school. I remember putting down 140 pounds on my driver's license application, and I remember that I was lying at the time. I think that by the time that I graduated high school, I weighed between 145 and 150. At no point have I ever owned a piece of clothing sized smaller than a size 10. My brother was killed during the summer after my junior year of college, and I wore this black suit to his funeral that I still have in my closet. It's a size ten, so between high school and then I put on weight, but not enough to put me up a size. Somewhere between then and when I got engaged in the middle of my second year in law school, I blossomed up to 186. Then I went on the bride diet and weighed 155 at the end of my third year of law school. Then I shot up to 208 after studying for the bar, moving to Chicago, and starting my very sedentary job with astounding access to all the great eating places of Chicago.

Now that you know the story of my life, I'll go on to part two of Java Diva's question: Could I have done this without the band? I think we've all learned together that my band is not as restrictive as most bandsters experience, so that makes me a bit of an outlier of band effectiveness. I don't know why the restriction thing has turned out the way it has. I think that my portions are somewhat controlled by the band, but I continue to have to use Weight Watchers to count calories. The band does make it quite a bit easier to stay well within my points range. The exercise is not affected by the band - that's all me.

Here's where the band comes into play. Yesterday and today I have just said "FUCK IT" so watching what I eat. I don't know why. I've been having such great success since the new year. However, that's how it's been. Sunday night I bought a deep dish pizza, fully intending to eat the whole thing if I possibly could. I couldn't. I ate two pieces and thought I'd explode. Tonight I mixed up a 9x13 pan of brownies. I intended to eat all that I could. I ate two, and felt uncomfortable.

So yeah, I could continue to eat like this, and I'd gain weight. But sometime between now and ten pounds from now, I think I'd probably come to my senses and get back on the wagon. And if not, in a moment of lucidity, I'd make an appointment for a fill, even if I just go in and have Dr. Horgan yell at me and send me home without one. It only takes one lucid moment to make the appointment.

The difference is that it won't let me give up. And I couldn't do that on my own. So there's your answer. I hope that makes sense.

Anne Klein Lives in My Closet

2006-04-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

I have had a simply splendid day. First, I weighed in at 153.5, down TWO POUNDS for the week. I couldn't be more psyched that my weight loss is so steady, even though I'm closing in on goal.

Mr. Kennedy is still in Vegas, and I was lonely after a couple days in the house by myself. I decided to run a bunch of errands. I started by heading to Carson Pirie Scott to look for the Anne Klein shoes, which have reached legendary status in my mind. I get there, and all the signs on the doors announce that they are having a huge shoe sale. Hooray!

I walked over to the Anne Klein tables and started hunting for the shoes Mr. Kennedy picked out for me a couple weeks ago. They weren't there. I began giving myself the lecture: when you see something you love and it's on sale, buy the damn things! Don't talk yourself out of it because you feel you don't deserve it! I accepted this as my punishment, and headed over to the clearance rack to check it out before I left. There, in the size six section, were my coveted Anne Klein shoes. The only pair left, and they were my size. I couldn't believe it, and I shoveled them under my arm, ready to demonstrate my kickboxing skills on any broad who tried to snag them from me.

I took them and another pair of super cute shoes over to the try-on area. When I saw how cute they looked on, I must have looked delighted, because this man sitting behind me was watching me and grinning. I bought BOTH pairs of shoes and headed to the clothing section.

Last time we'd been there Mr. Kennedy had pointed out some great looking slacks. I took a pair of size sixes to the dressing room, just curious to see how far I was from them. To my wonderment, they went on and zipped easily. They were a little tight across my hips, but everything else looked great. I'd say I'm about three pounds from wearing them. What the hell is that about? I couldn't believe it. I put them back, bought an Anne Klein skirt on deep clearance, and left. As much as I would love to go hog-wild shopping right now, it's not prudent. They'll just be too big in two months and I'll have wasted my shopping spree money.

Now I have two pairs of shoes in my guest room, waiting to be awarded for some accomplishment. I get the Anne Klein shoes now because I need to wear them, and because I did fantastic this week and I deserve them. However, the other pumps and another pair are waiting.

I walked to a jewelry store this afternoon and got links taken out of both my watches. Who knew I had so much weight to lose in my wrists?

Goal Weight

2006-03-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

I worked from home today. I had to drive Mr. Kennedy to O'Hare this afternoon, so it was easier to just stay home. He's going to Vegas for a bachelor party this weekend. I am SO GLAD to have some alone time. Am I a bad wife? He's at our house when I leave for work in the morning, and he's there when I get home. I'm kind of a loner by nature, and it's been a really long time since I was just home by myself. I'm sure I'll miss him by Sunday, but for now I'm feeling spacious.

It was spectacular outside today. I turned off the heater and opened up all the windows. It's great to get the winter skank out and get some fresh air in the house.

I've been listening to the second Harry Potter book on tape this week. I can't believe how much I like these books. They're about 12-years-olds and magic, and I'm not into either of those things at all. However, I'm crazy into these books. I won't let myself listen to them unless I'm commuting or working out, so it makes me want to go the gym and listen.

I sneaked a mid-day look at the scale today, and it said 153.5. Curious, because this morning I was 156, an inexplicable jump. Hopefully it sticks at the lower one. It occurred to me that my dress size at goal will be a size six. Doesn't that sound weird. "Oh, I wear a size six." "Do you have this in a size six?" How bizarre.

Shopping Spree Total: $687

Anne Klein

2006-03-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Ever since Mr. Kennedy picked out those Anne Klein shoes, I've been thinking about them and coveting them. Mr. Kennedy's going to Vegas with his buddies for a bachelor party this weekend, so I think I'm going to have to go get me some shoes.

Mr. Kennedy has rolled me out of bed the last two mornings to go to the gym, and as a result I'm down a half-pound already.

Shopping Spree Total: $682

Saturday Weigh In

2006-03-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

This morning I weighed in at 155.5, down another pound. I'm really surprised that I managed to get an entire pound, so I'm quite satisfied with that. I need to do better on both the food and exercise ends next week.

I want to state for the record that I loathe those Dr. Scholls "Are You Gellin'?" commercials. They make no sense, and are ultra-aggravating. What in the name of fuck does Magellan have to do with shoe inserts? Was he known for having particularly comfortable feet, or being particularly mellow? Whoever decided to air such crap should be euthanized to prevent pollution of the gene pool.

Size 8

2006-03-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a week. Nothing of note happened. I've been working until 9:00 each night, and unless you want a detailed description of my document review, I got nothing.

Something of note happened today. I'm going to a show tomorrow night, and in the back of my mind I've been hoping I could get into this super-cute pair of size 8 pants that I bought at the Kohl's shopping spree aways back. I'm going with my extended family, and they haven't seen me since Christmas, which was about 15 pounds ago. I tried the pants on tonight, and they're just right. I am a size 8. I have never worn a size 8 in my entire life, and I never thought I would.

The Zoloft thing has been going really well. All my fears about losing motivation and lowering my standards for myself have proven to be baseless. It's not that I don't notice when I make little errors; it's just that I don't berate myself all day long for every little thing. It's not that people don't piss me off anymore; it's just that I don't fantasize for hours about exactly how I would tell them off if the situation presented itself. I don't feel completely worthless, and I haven't cried since I started taking it. It turns out that my spur of the moment decision to get a prescription has been a great step in the right direction. It still doesn't make me want to get out of bed and go to the gym in the morning - do they make a pill for that?

Shopping Spree Total: $662

2006-03-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

Down another 1.5 pounds for the week, to 156.5. 16.5 more pounds to go.

This week it suddenly occurred to me that I am looking pretty darn good. I hope I can keep up the steady loss, since everyone says that the last ten pounds are the hardest to lose.

Shopping Spree Total: $642

Massage today

2006-03-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

I had my first massage today, and I was a little disappointed. I stripped down to my undies and got under the towel, and the masseuse went to work. But I got COLD! And I wished he would have used more pressure, but it just didn't feel that good. It was totally weird to be nude and have somebody who is not my husband touching me. I really liked the foot massage part, though, so perhaps I'll stick to that next time.

Massage tomorrow

2006-03-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm working from home tomorrow in honor of March Madness; it's not like I'd be doing any work at work anyway.

Man, so much for the Zoloft making it easy to avoid thinking about food. If that ever was the case, it sure wasn't today. I was white-knuckling all day today. I still ended up within my points allotment, but it wasn't easy. So far I'm down a pound this week, which is great for Wednesday.

For my performance in the March quest for perfection, Mr. Kennedy scheduled a massage for me for tomorrow morning at 11:00. I'm excited - I've never had one before.

Shopping Spree Total: $635

Success!

2006-03-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

Today's weigh in was successful - 158, down one for the week. Dr. Horgan's goal for me is 150; my goal is 140 because that will give me a normal BMI. At this point, I think I can lose more than another 8 pounds, and I want to because there's still too much excess fat on me. My hips are frantically clutching fat.

I started a three-week quest for perfection (see Feb. 25 entry) with some women from the Graduate Bandsters board that ended today. It went really well, and I re-upped until the end of the month.

As a reward for doing so well for the past three weeks, Mr. Kennedy is setting up a massage for me this week. I've never had one before, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Perhaps someone can weigh in on this: I feel like the Zoloft is working already. Is that possible, or is it just a placebo effect brought on by the relief of having gotten treatment? I looked on the Zoloft website, and it said that it will take effect within 1-2 weeks, with symptoms improving up until 6 weeks. I feel a lot more relaxed, and I haven't obsessed about wanting to eat all day like I usually do. I just want to eat when I'm hungry. Good Lord, I hope that that is a permanent effect of Zoloft. That would be so heavenly.

Shopping Spree Total: $620

Fish-on-Friday

2006-03-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

So far my commitment of giving up soda for Lent is going swimmingly. Giving up things for Lent is good for me, as I seem to have more willpower to make sure it happens.

Mr. Kennedy and I are totally addicted to "Most Haunted" on the Travel channel. These Brits explore supposedly haunted buildings all over Great Britain, and they spend the night there conducting watches for ghostly activity. There's also a psychic who channels the spirits. The Brits get all scared and cuss and shriek. We just think it's hilarious to hear a "Bloody Hell!" in an English accent.

I haven't had any further acid reflux, so I think it must have been the Zoloft. That's certainly a relief.

I met my husband and his friend at a bar last night to watch a basketball game. When I got home from work I was hungry, and I REALLY wanted to avoid eating bar food the night before my weigh-in. All of the lower calorie stuff had meat in it, and I can't eat meat on Fridays during Lent. So I went to Taco Bell on the way and ordered a 3-point pintos and cheese.

Zoloft

2006-03-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

I finally went to talk to my primary care physician today about my depression. Seriously, it's not right that I should be feeling like such a piece of shit all the time. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, the symptoms of depression are as follows:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

He asked me about a few things, and asked me if I had stopped wanting to go out and do things or be with people. I totally have. I'm afraid to be around people for fear that I'll say something stupid or offensive.

He gave me 25 mg of Zoloft to start out with, to see if that will do the trick. He was surprised that I'd waited so long to seek help.

I'm sort of afraid to take the Zoloft. I've wildly overachieved in my life by berating myself constantly to do better, try harder. I'm afraid that if I'm medicated, I'll be more mellow and won't care so much about succeeding.

Right after I took my pill, I started getting very minor acid reflux. I haven't had that since my hernia was fixed during surgery. So now I'm all stressed about that, because that's often a symptom that something may be wrong with your band. I'm going to try some antacids and see if it goes away.

Shopping Spree Total: $605

Shoe Shopping

2006-03-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

Mr. Kennedy has a job interview on Wednesday, and needed some wingtips to wear with his suit, so we headed off to the mall to buy shoes. Once we got there, I wanted to look at shoes for me too. Mr. Kennedy obliged me by picking out some super-cute Anne Klein shoes that I ultimately decided I didn't deserve yet. I found some Nine West soccer shoe-type shoes on the clearance rack, and some other every-day-for-work black shoes. I need the work shoes, but the sneaks will be held back for a special treat.

On the way home, I mentioned in passing that I thought about food nearly constantly. Mr. Kennedy said that he can go 3-4 hours without thinking about food. If I'm busy doing something, I MIGHT be able to go a half-hour without thinking about food. Maybe. If I'm not busy, I think about it nearly constantly. Anyone wlse want to weigh in?

Saturday Weigh In

2006-03-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

I weighed in at 159, down a pound for the week. I didn't deserve it, since I only exercised twice or three times, I forget.

I really blew it eating today: Mr. Kennedy and I went to check out the downtown of a nearby suburb for the evening. It was great, which was not so great for the diet. We stumbled across a great wine shop that offered a wine tasting of seven wines for $5.00. Not small tastes, either. We tried some new stuff and had a ball. There were some other couples in there too, and we all had a jolly time together. We tasted and bought a Vignoles, which I'd never had before. It's a sweet white wine. Then we checked out an Italian restaurant that turned out to be both delicious and reasonably priced. All in all, we had a delightful time.

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

I gave up soda for Lent. It's appropriately difficult, and it's something I should really do anyway. No sense taking chances.

Lent is really no different for me than the rest of the year, since I spend so much time pointlessly berating myself for every misstep, large and small. Bleh. I waste too much time.

Source of New Clothes

2006-02-26T16:36:00.000-08:00

Ebay is a great place to pick up some new clothes for cheap. If you type in whatever brand or designer you like, there's tons of stuff new with tags. You generally can't return it for being the wrong size, but all of us who are heading down in weight will get into it eventually. I bought a new wool Ann Taylor skirt for $2.50.

Turner Classic Movies showed Gone With the Wind without commercials this afternoon. I hadn't seen it since I was a teenager, and I appreciate so much more of the subtle humor now. Great book, great flick. I feel so sorry for Rhett Butler.

Shopping Spree Total: $586

Successful Week

2006-02-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

On the Graduate Bandster board, one of the moderators pointed out that I could get to goal in 90 days if I would commit myself to do whatever it takes. I thought about it hard, and decided that I couldn't deal with the thought of trying to be perfect for 90 days. I could deal with it for three weeks, though, so that's what I signed up for. A few other ladies joined me, and the Three-Week Quest for Perfection was born. This past week was the first week.

It was mostly successful. I lost four pounds, to get to 160. Keep in mind, though, that that's down four from when I gained some back last week. My previous low was 162.5. I worked out four times (five if I get my lazy ass there today), but it was slapdash and a struggle. I need to focus on that next week. The eating was good, staying between 15-18 Weight Watchers points (my range is 20-25). I messed up when I went for Mexican for dinner on Thursday. I wasn't hungry, but it sounded so good, so much better than going to the gym.

I have to go to my parents today (two hours away), and in support of my don't-blow-it-on-the-weekends initiative, I've got an eating plan. I'm going to have one taco, and then go out for dinner about four, and that will do it for the day.

Athletes as Role Models

2006-02-22T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm even sorer today than I was yesterday. Ow!

Mr. Kennedy baked some nice thick pieces of cod for dinner this evening, which he served with some red curry sauce from Trader Joe's. Cod, it turns out, is low-calorie and has a lot of nutritional bang for the buck.

In the last post's comments, Serena presented beach volleyball player Gabrielle Reese as a body role model. I hadn't thought of focusing on female athletes, but that's smart. They're a lot less likely to have had cosmetic surgery to get looking like they do, so it's a lot more achievable. So I'm thinking that I'd like to have Brandi Chastain's arms and abs.

The Agony!

2006-02-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

Searing pain in my thighs, butt, back, shoulders, arms, hands, feet, everywhere. It feels terrific! When I fantasize about my body at goal, I always have Hilary Swank's back from when she wore the navy backless dress to the Oscars after doing Million Dollar Baby. She and Jennifer Garner have the kind of bodies I admire - thin, but buffed out. I aspire to the athletic look, but not to the waif-y look. I'd like to hear from anyone who has kind of picked out a famous role model. We all know they're airbrushed, plastic surgeried and medical taped into those dresses, but is there anyone who inspires you?

Anyway, I really feel sexy now that my arms and back look good, and I can tell already that raquetball is going to improve that situation ever further.

I just watched the end of the 1100 m race where Shani Davis got the silver and Chad Hedrick got the bronze. Chad Hedrick proceeded to suck himself off at the post race interview, making excuses and talking about how good he is. Shani Davis was very appropriate, but then he called Hedrick out in the post-race presser for not congratulating him after he won. I wish Shani Davis hadn't done that, but Chad Hedrick has come off like a total dick all week, and it seems like Davis should be congratulated for not hiding Hedrick's body under the ice somewhere.

Racquetball

2006-02-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of recommitment (which I seem to need to do every three weeks lately), I decided to take up a new sport. After a year and a half on the incline trainer and ellipticals, I am starting to dread my minutes on the machines. So I set up a racquetball lesson. It looked like a good workout, and I'm good at racket sports. It was $20 for an hour-long lesson. I thought that was very reasonable, and cheaper than a personal trainer.

It was SO. FUN. It's fast-paced and kind of overwhelming at first, because the ball can come from anywhere. But the rules are simple, and anyone can play a game right off the bat, unlike tennis. However, I was glad I hadn't tried it before this point in my getting-in-shape efforts, because I was panting like a dog immediately. I haven't hustled that much since high school basketball practice. Wheezing is really loud on a racquetball court. We only played for about 20 minutes of the lesson, and the rest of the time we practiced strokes and shots. But I still was totally wiped out. Courts are usually reserved for an hour at a time - I don't think I could play for that long without suffering a heart attack.

The best part is that it requires every ounce of my concentration to keep up. Therefore, I can't watch a clock, or stress about something else, or ponder whether my boobs jiggle too much as I scoot across the floor. I think I'm going to be colossally sore tomorrow.

Shopping Spree Total: $579

Recommit

2006-02-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

I read the Graduate Bandster today, and one of the senior sages gave me a bit of advice. In 90 days, she wrote, I could be at goal if I'm ready to get this done. She's almost certainly right.

But in my perfectionism, I'm reluctant. I'm not sure that I could do it perfectly for 90 days, and that makes me not want to try at all. So I thought about it all day, and decided that I would try to be as close to perfect as possible from now until March 12, and see where that gets me.

Perfect, for me right now, means:
1. Exercise 5 times per week
2. No sweets until Saturday (I'm detoxing from sugar to see if that helps with cravings)
3. Stay within my points
4. One soda per day

I went to the grocery store and stocked up on fish and chicken, and also went looking for some new good foods to try. I found a lentil soup, a black bean soup, and a frozen broccoli-and-cheese dish as sides for lunch.

I got my ass to the gym and lifted and did cardio this afternoon, too. Back on the wagon we go.

Shopping Spree Total: $569

Motivation Gone

2006-02-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

My motivation is gone, and it shows. 164, up 1.5 for the week. God, I suck.

I was really discouraged today, and I pretty much ate my way through the day in reaction to it. We went to Lonestar for lunch, and over the course of the evening I ate four huge slices of pizza.

Losing Motivation

2006-02-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have done a bad job this week with exercise (only three times), and I haven't been as strict on the calories as I should have been either due to the restaurant trips during the week. Tonight I just hung up the cleats and went to eat sushi with Mr. Kennedy. Then I had three oatmeal cookies. I am a bad monkey.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

I had a nice Valentine's Day today. After work, Mr. Kennedy and I went to a French restaurant here in town. I'm not very familiar with French food, so I was a little nervous about it. The stereotype is that the menu will be in French, the waiter will be condescending, and everything will be covered in cream sauce.

The reality was just fine. First of all, French restaurants will always serve a nice steak, usually with fries. If totally flummoxed, one can always fall back on that. There was a bandster problem at the outset, though. When I made the reservation, no one told me that the only menu they'd be serving that night was a five-course meal for $65 per person. Now, all bandsters know that five courses, even if they are small, probably isn't going to make it down the gullet of a bandster, whether you're drinking with your meal or not. However, after a bit of convincing, the manager agreed to let me pick what courses I wanted and pro-rate it.

So I had a wonderful bowl of lobster bisque, and then a perfect filet mignon on a bed of polenta. Mr. Kennedy started with a tuna tartare creation that was the best dish of either of our meals. Then he had the bisque, sorbet, filet of tourbot, and a white chocolate mousse. I don't like white chocolate, so I didn't even covet the dessert. We had a great Gustave Laurent Riesling with the meal. Love me some Alsatian wine.

Shopping Spree Total: $562

Always Behind the Camera

2006-02-13T18:38:00.000-08:00

I was reading past posts on a banding support group on Yahoo today, and this lady posted that she had cleaned out her basement and came across sixteen rolls of undeveloped film. She took it in and had them developed. They were photos spanning five years of her life, and were of her children, family, pets, vacations, etc. She was in one of the photos. She wrote that the rest of the time she had always insisted on being the one to take the photos, or refused to be in them because she was ashamed of her weight. As a result, she had effectively erased herself from her family's history without realizing it.

Jujitsu

2006-02-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

Mr. Kennedy and I got our weekly fix of Celebrity Fit Club today. Chastity Bono is one of the participants, and her partner set her up with a week's worth of different workouts so she could try to find something new that she liked. The one she liked the best was called jujitsu, I believe. It was some sort of martial art that involved combat with a wooden pole; think Splinter in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She really worked up a sweat. I have to admit that I find great appeal in the idea of beating someone with a stick as a form of cardio. I would get out of bed at ANY time in the morning to lay the wood to my vile sister-in-law. That's a form of exercise I'd never tire of.

I'm contemplating taking up a martial art. One of the great things about this new body I'm working on is how strong I feel. It makes me feel powerful. I think it would be awesome to know that I could kick someone's ass, even though of course I wouldn't. Except to defend my engagement ring. Or my Coach bag.

Mean Girls

2006-02-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

My firm had a firm-wide lunch today, and as I stood in line I ran into a woman whom I hadn't seen in a while. She works on a different floor, and I haven't seen her in at least six months. She gave me a long, obvious look up and down. She was clearly checking out my weight loss. Then she said, "Don't you think your hair is getting too long?" I nearly laughed out loud.

A Rash of Barfing

2006-02-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

This week has been a bad one for barfing. Wednesday night Mr. Kennedy made pork chops on the grill for dinner. I ate half of one, and it seemed like that was too much, because a few minutes later I started to slime. Then I had to sprint to the bathroom to bring it up.

Last night Mr. Kennedy were rushing to eat at Corner Bakery before we volunteered downtown. I ordered a salad, and I evidently didn't chew it very well, because another sprint to the bathroom was in order.

Then this morning I ate another bran muffin (I know, get a learning curve), and it hung out in the pouch for a while then reappeared in the trash can in my office. My stomach has felt all swelly since then, so I'm taking it very easy.

Shopping Spree Total: $567

Goal Date

2006-02-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

I figure that a pound a week of weight loss is achievable, and as I thought about that today it made me wonder when I would achieve my goal weight of 140 pounds. At a pound per week, I will arrive at goal on July 15, 2006.

That certainly didn't make me feel good. July 15 is a long time from now, and after my goal date of one year from surgery (July 8). When I had surgery, I thought I'd be at goal in March. Well, onward.

Shopping Spree Total: $557

As expected...

2006-02-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

I was 166 this morning, up three from yesterday. From this I learned:

1. Carb binges are especially bad in the short-term weight gain category
2. Blowing it on the weekends will negate weight loss for the whole damn week.

How many months have I wasted by fucking around on the weekends? Why can't I learn to do better? I know that the direct consequence is slower weight loss. I have immediate positive reinforcement when I do well. Why can't I do it?

I'm watching last week's episodes of The Daily Show, and two lines have been absolutely classic:
1. "That look is where boners go to die."
2. "We don't torture, we freedom-tickle."

Pseudo-bummer of the day - my super-cute Banana Republic pants are officially too big, and were confiscated by Mr. Kennedy when I walked in from work today.

Super Bowl Sunday

2006-02-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

I was down another half pound this morning, to 163. That's not going to last, for the reasons that follow.

Lunch sucked today. I botched shrimp stirfry, and as a result I got full but not satisfied, if you know what I mean. So I just let myself go and eat whatever I wanted at my friend's Super Bowl party, and I didn't get much fluid in. Guacamole, ribs, trail mix, chips, hummus, cake, cheese dip. Tomorrow's weigh-in is going to be flat out brutal.

Shopping Trip

2006-02-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

I needed some new work shoes and some workout shorts, so Mr. Kennedy and I packed up and went to Kohl's. We are NOT big shoppers, and we haven't done any non-Christmas shopping in months. I found neither shoes nor shorts, but we still wound up blowing plenty of money. I found some cute underwear on sale. But here's the exciting part:

Kohl's was clearing out its winter clothes, and the sales racks were not yet picked over. Mr. Kennedy was turned into a pack animal on which clothes were stacked. With my newfound weight loss momentum, I got all optimistic and took tons of size 8s to the dressing room. All of them went on and ZIPPED UP. I looked a bit sausagy, but a size 8 is totally achievable in the next 5-7 pounds. I have NEVER worn a size 8 in my whole life, and I have NEVER had such a lovely time shopping in all my life. And I only spent $50 on three pairs of pants, one skirt and a tank top. And with that, I must subtract $25 from the shopping spree total (I had a $25 gift card), the first of many satisfying deductions.

Shopping Spree Total: $547

Two More Pounds Gone

2006-02-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

This morning I weighed in at 163.5, down two pounds for the week. Sweet. That is all.

Shopping Spree Total: $572

Slow and Steady

2006-02-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

I was 164.5 this morning, down a pound so far this week. After last week's drop, I kinda thought I'd stall out this week, but so far so good.

Nothing new to report. We still haven't been dismissed from the case that I'm working on, and it's set to go to trial on February 16th. We can't assume that we're going to get out, so we're ramping up for trial. Therefore, I've been working every day. I went through almost all of 2005 with nothing to do, and I was really worried that I was going to get laid off. But then I got slammed right before Christmas, and I've traded being bored for being swamped. It's good, though - I feel like a productive member of society again.

Why Am I Not a Sex Symbol?

2006-01-29T17:53:00.000-08:00

This morning Mr. Kennedy and I went to the gym while we watched Celebrity Fit Club. I hit a fitness milestone: I ran a mile without stopping. Twice, in fact. I ran a mile, then walked .4 of a mile, and then ran another mile. And it wasn't even that hard. Mr. Kennedy told me on the way home that some guy was checking me out while I did it. Haven't heard that in a long time.

That got me thinking. I'm now the same size that I was in high school, and back then I thought I was quite the hottie. I would never think that about myself now, even though I pretty much look exactly the same. What a difference five years of being overweight makes. Was I deluded then, or am I deluded now? A little of both?

Shopping Spree Total: $560

Four Pounds Down!

2006-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

I weighed in this morning at 165.5, down four pounds for the week! Hooray! The hard work and recommitment this week paid off in what was my best weight loss since the liquid diet.

In a fit of happiness, I went into my guest room and tried on the final pile of clothes, Size 10. Nearly all of it fit. The dress I wore in my engagement photo. My jeans from high school. All the Casual Corner clearance sale items. My high school Christmas dance dress (I don't know why I still have this - after I assured myself that it fit, I put it in the donation box). There were several suits that now fit, but are not nicely enough made for me to wear now. I'm going to find a women's shelter to give them to right away. They'd be perfect for an interview for a white collar job, and they're in great shape.

Afterwards, I went to the gym to watch the basketball game. I did 50 minutes of interval training on the incline trainer, good for 900 calories.

This could have been a great day for weight loss, except I ate three fajitas for lunch and three fajitas for dinner, and that's simply too many calories. When am I going to learn not to blow it on the weekends? I disappoint myself so often.

Shopping Spree Total: $560

Miscellany

2006-01-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

Bummer on the scale this morning - bounced back up to 167, probably due to dehydration. My stomach was still pissed off about yesterday's muffin mishap, so I got stuck quite a bit today. I steered clear of my morning eggs in favor of fruit for breakfast.

To mix it up a bit yesterday, I did part of the Couch-to-5k training program. I did 3/4 mile jogging, 1/2 mile walking, and 3/4 mile jogging. It was rougher than I like to admit, but I just thought it was tough on my breathing apparatus. However, when I woke up this morning, it felt like my hamstrings, quads, hip flexors and abs were on fire. Just when I start to delude myself that I'm in shape...

I'd like to do some shout-outs today, both to things and people.

1. Congratulations to the two regular commenters who got banded this week - I'm so glad everything went well and you're bounding back nicely. May God and your surgeon grant you faster restriction than I got. :)
2. Campbell's Soup-At-Hand soups. Low calorie, easy to store and eat, gets me through the rough spots.
3. The Smart Bandster discussion group on Yahoo! The moderator of the DFW Bandster Board was lamenting how unkind the people on that board were, and that struck me as my kind of place. I decided to check it out. Good stuff.
4. GenSoy potato-soy chips. Eat the whole bag for 5 points (315 calories), and you get a great chip fix. Good for those days when you need salt, or when you need something that takes a while to munch on.

Shopping Spree Total: $550

Muffins are my Enemy

2006-01-25T19:01:00.000-08:00

I left work early to drive to my alma mater to attend a basketball game this evening. The first pair of pants I put on was WAY too baggy to go with the cute little polo shirt I was wearing, so I tried on a pair of size ten khakis. I have a rule that I don't wear the next size smaller until it fits perfectly, not just as soon as I can squeeze my ass into it. The goal is to avoid looking like a sausage. The khakis looked perfect, and I wore them to the game very comfortably.

Mr. Kennedy made some bran muffins, and asked me to try one as we were walking out the door to go to the game. I took a bite, chewed well, swallowed, and got very, very stuck. Sliming, and later mouth-sweats, then gagging. It was a bad show. It didn't feel like the muffin went through the band for about two hours after that, even though I felt significantly better before then.

I think irritated my stomach to the point where it swelled pretty badly. We went to dinner with my parents, and I had salmon and mashed potatoes. Every bite hurt, and I had to go cough some of it up halfway through. I was still hungry, but it wasn't worth the discomfort to keep trying.

Achievement!

2006-01-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday and today I got up and went to the gym like I'm supposed to, and my eating has been a model of perfection. I am a dieting machine. :)

Reader, you are surely aware of how much I loathe liquid Tylenol. I hate the regular kind at the same pace that I hate all cough syrup, but I cannot express how disgusting the vanilla Tylenol PM is. It tastes like eating ice cream and then throwing it up in your mouth. Anyway, I find got the courage to try taking a regular Tylenol capsule. It went just fine, and didn't mess me up at all. I cannot express how much this has improved the quality of my life.

Now for the best part - this morning I was 166.0, down 3.5 pounds for the week! If I can even sustain this until Saturday, it will be my best week since the liquid diet. Perhaps this will help me to learn that I will be way more successful if I don't totally blow it every weekend.

A New Beginning

2006-01-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

I got up early this morning to go work out, and put in a great session on the incline. I also replaced my gym pass - I can't find mine. The exercise wasn't great last week. After the gym, Mr. Kennedy and I went grocery shopping, and I made sure I had some good lunch options and all the stuff to get back to eating an omelet every morning.

We had guests to watch football this afternoon, and I made a healthy spread. Fajitas with low fat topping, guacamole and baked chips, and low cal taco dip. Everybody else had beer, but I hate beer, so that was no temptation for me. I feel good about getting back on track. Now I'll keep my fingers crossed to see some results this week.

Shopping Spree Total: $535

An End to a Bad Week

2006-01-21T17:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, I weighed in today at 169.5. Up .5 for the week.

I think that I have hit the wall. Having the band is still a diet for me, and I have been dieting for seven months. I think the last few weeks has been the point at which, without the band, I would start to put the weight back on. It is now my job to make sure that I go the right direction from this crossroads.

It's hard because I'm content with how I look now. Don't get me wrong, I could still stand to lose a few from the appearance perspective, but it's pretty satisfactory. I need to muster the effort to keep going south.

The first thing I need to do is stop overeating on weekends. I do fine all week, and then I go out to eat with Mr. Kennedy three times on the weekend and blow all of my fine efforts. So today, I went to Chili's and had the Guiltless Pita (580 calories), and that's all I had for the day. Today is the day I stopped the bleeding.

Fill Appointment

2006-01-19T17:59:00.000-08:00

I went to see Dr. Horgan for a fill today. He had me drink the barium under fluoro, and declined to give me any further saline. Again. This is the second time this has happened. I'm really frustrated with the lack of restriction at this point.

Dr. Horgan checked my weight stats, and was delighted at my weight loss over the last month. He made a big deal about going from obese to overweight. His positive reinforcement is very rare, and I felt a lot better about myself.

Liquid Diet

2006-01-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

So much for the liquid diet. That lasted until about 2:00, when I went to Taco Fresco and got me some fajitas. Without fear as a motivator, I guess the liquid diet just isn't for me.

I was really sad and depressed last night, so I spent most of the night tossing and turning. The alarm went off far too soon, and I didn't get up and work out. Not a great start to the week. I did come home and ride the bike for quite a while, so I'm good on the exercise thing. I just wanted to show some morning discipline, and that didn't happen.

Pull Up My Socks

2006-01-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today seemed like a good day to pull up my socks and try to pull myself together. I made a big pot of chili to facilitate better eating, even though my husband promptly ate the majority of it while I was gone judging a moot court competition.

I have to come up with some motivation to keep losing weight. I have a fill appointment on Wednesday. I'm going to try to be on a liquid diet this week and see if I can drop some quick weight and find some motivation. I tried on a size ten suit today, and it fit perfectly. I sent it to the tailor to get it hemmed for my court appearance on Thursday.

Not So Fast, Commenter Barb!

2006-01-12T12:24:00.000-08:00

In the Comment section of my last post, Barb was praising me for doing so well. Boy, did she speak too soon, although I dearly appreciate the encouragement.

Mr. Kennedy and I have recently experienced some personal setbacks, and for some reason this week I really bottomed out emotionally. Five years ago my brother was killed, and obviously that was a time of deep despair and depression for me. The kind where one starts contemplating suicide in an intellectual sense (i.e., "maybe Mr. Kennedy would be better off if he could start over without me, even though he doesn't see it that way), rather than in an action-oriented way (i.e., "on Tuesday, I'll do X to put my plan into motion").

I started feeling that way again this week. Believe me, from a rational standpoint, our problem is not that serious, and it's certainly not irrevocable. I know all too well how bad life can get, and this ain't it. But I started feeling that nagging depression again. Any time I wasn't busy doing something, I just wanted to sit down and cry. I feel so very guilty and angry, and then I realize that my emotions are keeping me from supporting my husband like I can, and then I felt like a horrible wife, and that made me feel worse. Poor Mr. Kennedy could only listen and watch me disintegrate, poor man.

The whole thing started when I went home for Christmas, and my parents took me aside and gave me a big speech about how I should be having grandchildren for them. Look, I know everyone gets that speech, but my parents put a special twist on it to make me feel guilty: they had convinced themselves that I don't want to have a baby because I'm afraid something will happen to it, like something happened to my brother.

I don't know if I will ever want kids, and I already feel guilty and less womanly because of that. But I also felt like my parents expect me to have a baby to bring joy and purpose back to their lives, and by not having one I am deliberately denying them that.

Then came the usual post-holiday blahs , coupled with the fact that the scale promptly refound all the weight I lost last week (how does that happen), and lickety split, I felt like a piece of shit. Finally today I just ate my heart out after fighting the urge all week. I had a croissant, a big cookie, three slices of deep-dish pizza, and then I took Mr. Kennedy to a restaurant when I got home from work. I just didn't care any more.

The only thing that has seemed to help this week is exercise. So I'm going every single day until I stop feeling like this, because I'm scaring myself and I'm scaring the HELL out of Mr. Kennedy. I even got up and went to the gym at 6:00 this morning.

Someone posted on the Bandster board that he didn't think that there was any scientific reason that someone couldn't lose all the way down to their goal weight with the band; he just felt that as time goes on after surgery people lose their focus on weight loss and become less motivated. That's where I am right now. I made an appointment for a fill on Wednesday, and I'm planning to go on a liquid diet all week next week to get my weight going south again.

Shopping Spree Total: $515

Weekly Weigh-In

2006-01-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

This week I'm 167 pounds, down 2.5 for the week and 41 pounds overall. Not too shabby!

This evening I went to dinner for my mom's birthday, and she gave me an old junky exercise bike they ad in their basement. I just want something to do to get my pulse up while I'm watching TV. I can't just sit; I have to do something while watching TV or I just contemplate how lazy I am. My options are to sew or to ride the exercise bike. I can't bring myself to start a new sewing project. I made a quilt last summer, and I haven't been able to summon the will to sew again after that debacle. So exercise bike it is.

No Longer Obese

2006-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

This morning I returned to my pre-Christmas weight of 169, and I reached an important goal. According to the Body Mass Index (BMI), I am at 29.9. Therefore, I am no longer obese, but am merely overweight. I'm not sure why this pleases me as much as it does. :)

The gym this morning was a total zoo, packed with New Year's Resolutioners. I wish these exercise newbies all the best, but I do wish they'd just not go to the gym while I'm there. Fortunately or unfortunately, they'll all be gone by next month. I'll bide my time.

Mr. Kennedy made a truly memorable dish for dinner tonight: pork tenderloin with a mushroom sherry sauce. Holy crap, it was delicious, and only six points.

We flipped back and forth between the Orange Bowl and Scrubs on TV tonight. I hadn't seen Scrubs in more than a year, and I'd forgotten how hysterically funny that show is.

Shopping Spree Total: $480

Weekly Weigh-In

2005-12-31T19:13:00.000-08:00

I weighed in at 169.5 for the week. Disappointing, but not unexpected after the Christmas difficulty.

I feel very unmotivated right now. It's hard to stay focused on losing weight for such a long time. I know getting another fill would bring focus, but I still feel like I can lose weight without the fill.

I participate in the DFW Bandsters discussion group on Yahoo!, and I'm beginning to realize that those posters are very rah-rah pro-band. I think that there is some peer pressure on there not to discuss one's struggles with the band that aren't medically caused (i.e., lack of motivation, bad food choices, unexplained plateaus). Every once in a while some poster will make an offhanded remark that makes me realize that those people don't just mechanically drop two pounds per week like it seems.

For example, someone said they were on anti-anxiety and depression meds the entire time they were losing weight. I can totally understand why! My mood swings wildly based on the morning scale result, and I feel like a failure so much of the time.

Taking Questions

2005-12-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

I've been getting a lot of questions in the Comments section, and if I think they're of general interest, I'll re-post them and answer them in the main thread. I don't know if readers tend to read the comments or not. I enjoy getting all you guys' thoughts, so keep them coming. As you can see, I'm quite happy to take questions.

Anonymous asked:
What is your daily point intake goal? And or calorie goal? Also, What about fruit and veggies? Do you have alot of trouble with those? What im getting is protein is primary, then what?

Anonymous -
My points range is 20-25 points per day, as is the Weight Watchers guideline for someone who weighs 150-174 lbs. My calorie goal is vaguely 1000-1200, but I really just pay attention to the points. I don't know if you want to know whether I have trouble getting fruits and vegetables down without getting stuck, or whether I just find it hard to find space in my stomach for them at meal times. I don't have any trouble getting them down so long as I chew well, and I don't really have trouble making room for them either.

Protein is a priority because your body cannot stockpile it like fat. You must constantly replenish your body's supply of protein. If you don't, you will start to lose your hair. Luckily for bandsters, there are plenty of protein drinks or shakes on the market, and you can always get those down.

I find it difficult to make sure that I am getting enough vitamins and fiber. I'm not a huge fruits and veggies fan, and neither is Mr. Kennedy. I take a chewable Centrum every day, and that takes care of it. The fiber is tough, and frankly, I struggle with staying regular. I take 3-4 chewable fiber tablets each morning to help keep things flowing. That usually does the trick, but if it requires more coaxing then Milk of Magnesia is the order of the day. I definitely notice if I don't take the fiber tablets each day. When one is banded, one should still poop every day for a myriad of reasons.

Now that you know more about my bathroom habits than you ever wanted to, let's move on to Jessica's questions:

1. Have you told anyone else about your surgery?
2. Has anyone become suspicious because of cutting food up real small or chewing 1,000 times? 3. How do you handle compliments about your weight loss? If anyone asks how you're doing it, do you just say Weight Watchers? I guess saying "eating less and exercising more" isn't a lie, but I'm one that feels an obligation to give too much information (my husband gets on me about this all the time). I guess it really isn't anyone's business.

Jessica-
1. No. I've still only told Mr. Kennedy and my mother, and I think it's the best decision I've made in this whole process. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I definitely wouldn't want more from the outside. I wouldn't want people watching what or how I eat, or monitoring my weight loss.

2. No one is the slightest bit suspicious. No one pays as much attention to me as it feels like they do - it's totally a function of self-consciousness. I had a cover story for the surgery, and that was the last anyone has said about it. I am 100% sure no one knows.

3. Fascinating that you should mention this, since it has only come up recently. First, I had NO TROUBLE WHATSOEVER taking credit for my weight loss before I had restriction. I did the first 37 pounds of it all on my own through diet and exercise. Now I struggle with the question, which I've only gotten once recently.

Jessica, you and I must be particularly honest people, because I don't think most people would have any trouble taking credit for the band's results. I think that my reticence to take credit stems from my shame that I had to have help to keep weight off in the first place. That's a tough admission to make, even to one's self.

When I'm asked, I say something flippant, true and vague, like "Lots of hard work" or "Diet and exercise." And I leave it at that.

Shopping Spree Total: $465

Reply to Anonymous

2005-12-28T15:10:00.000-08:00

An anonymous reader left a comment on a recent post, and I thought he or she asked good questions, so I'm posting the comment and my reply in the main text for everyone's benefit.

Anonymous wrote:
I am not banded but am following along trying to get a feel for this thing. I see you type things like "i only had 1/2 of a burrito," and comments on eating and drinking carbonated beverages. Please correct me if im wrong, but isnt the point of the band to actually eat less? And are you supposed to eat and drink at the same time? I thought breads were a no no with a pouch type stomach. Just wondering.

My reply:
All good questions. I'll take them in the order you asked. First, half of a burrito is absolutely all I could eat without bringing it back up. I could eat 3-4 times that prior to surgery. If you can only eat half a burrito at a sitting without the band, then you really don't need this surgery. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your question: eat less than what? Than I did before surgery? Than what I eat now?

My surgeon tells me that I can drink carbonated beverages as long as they don't hurt. They don't, so I do. Some mornings a Diet Coke will hurt, and then I don't drink it for the rest of the day. I have cut back to one soda per day, but that's just because I want to and not because I have to.

In fact, "if it hurts don't do it" is the general rule with the band. If you can eat bread and it doesn't hurt, then eat it. There's nothing you CAN'T have, but there may be things you won't want to have because getting stuck is quite unpleasant. Those foods differ from person to person. Right now, I'm lucky - there's nothing that I can't tolerate if I chew it well. That may not always be the case.

There is really no medical reason why one cannot eat and drink at the same time with the band. However, liquids will wash the food through the band faster than it would go on its own, which causes two things: 1) you can eat more at a sitting, and 2) you will get hungry again a bit faster. I try not to eat while drinking, but I'm not the greatest at that. I'm working on knocking that off. Sometimes being able to eat more at a sitting has practical advantages. I'll leave you to figure out what they may be.

Another thought: I don't think I'm as tight as I could be. However, I am tight enough that I can lose weight if I work at it, and I don't feel the need to take it to the extreme for the fun of it. Because it's not fun to struggle with food, and it's hard to keep the band a secret if you're constantly choking to death at the table. I have been told by people on the Yahoo! Struggling Bandsters board that being really tight will make me stop drinking with meals, because it will make me bring it up. I fight the urge every day to crank the band up all the way, because I'm a very extreme person who puts immense pressure on herself. However, Mr. Kennedy put the kabosh on that, and Dr. Horgan backed him 100%. My way is fine.

Thank goodness for the band

2005-12-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

After the debacle that was my four-day Christmas road trip, I hopped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 170. Considering the lack of beverages, lack of exercise and abundance of food, I'm damn impressed that I'm only up a pound. There were definitely many times when the band reigned me in.

You may notice that there is now a link on the left side of the page called "Food Journal." By popular demand, I'm posting what I eat for everyone to see. It sounded like a good idea when I proposed it, until I realized that all of you can judge my daily food choices. Yikes. Well, perhaps it will spur me to be better about it. I welcome comments about it, but please try to phrase it in a nice way. Be impressed that I figured out how to put the link on my page. :)

Christmas Day

2005-12-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

We do Christmas Day with my family. This year a couple of my uncles were in a big fight, and refused to attend the same family function. So we had Christmas and Alterna-Christmas, so the two big babies could each have Christmas. Instead of the Hatfields and the McCoys, my family is the Hatfields and the Hatfields.

At Christmas Number 1, the hosts either chose not to or forgot to serve any kind of non-carbonated or non-alcoholic beverages. One could drink pop or champagne or beer. So I drank champagne, and got more dehydrated by the hour. I also got some water out of the sink, so it wasn't the end of the world. It was just weird, like some cosmic conspiracy keeping me from beverages all weekend. I began to wither and wilt.

Want to know what a redneck Christmas looks like? When it's held in a garage. Christmas Number 1 was held in my family member's brand new garage, which he spent $50,000 to build. The house they live in is 1400 square feet of cramped living space. This new garage has two rooms, a bathroom, skylights, a hot tub, a kitchen, heated floors and is 1200 square feet. This seems like a strange allocation of resources to me.

At Christmas Number 2, the host served delicious barbeque, and pina coladas, and beer, and pop. What is up with that? At this point, I'm freaking dying of thirst, so we left early and went back to my parents' house to souse ourselves in ice tea.

Christmas Eve at the Monster-In-Law's

2005-12-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Today I pulled a fifteen-hour day "celebrating" Christmas Eve with Mr. Kennedy's family. During the time leading up to our wedding, Mrs. Kennedy (his mother, not me) was actively nasty, but since then she has despaired of ridding herself of me and now is just vaguely dismissive.

Earlier this month, Mrs. Kennedy made a hyuuuge stink about how all her children must come home for the holiday. My husband and I had already planned to do so, so it was no skin off our noses. However, when we arrived bright and early after a four hour drive, as requested, Mrs. Kennedy was not at home. She had volunteered to pick up a shift at the local variety store. On the day she demanded that everyone make an appearance. On Christmas Eve. Keep in mind that Mr. Kennedy's sister and her husband had flown in from Georgia for this.

Speaking of them, they'd been there since the night before, and it clearly wasn't going very well. Both of them smelled like booze, and I found a half-empty bottle of gin hidden in the couch cushions. They were nipping off it every time the parents left the room. Guess I'm not the only one that has to drink to get through these occasions.

Keep in mind that this is a tiny rural town with no stop lights and one restaurant. It being Christmas Eve, the grocery store and restaurant were of course closed. Mrs. Kennedy has no intent to feed any of us (or my brothers- and sisters-in-law) until the evening. That's literally two meals from now. Keep in mind that she demanded that we all be there.

Mrs. Kennedy didn't get off work until 3:00. The house is a mess. Not a cluttery mess, but a filthy, family-services-take-your-kids-away dirty hole unlike that which I've ever seen. I took photos - if I can guarantee Mr. Kennedy won't catch me, I'll post them so you can see just what I have to suffer through. The kind of joint you don't want to sit down in while wearing natural-fiber pants. This is the state of her housekeeping when she has demanded that people come and be her houseguests. When she's hosting a family party.

When she gets there, she announces that we will not be eating dinner - the first meal of the day - until after mass. That would be about 10:30 p.m. I give up waiting for her to offer drinks, and the kitchen is so messy that I couldn't find any just laying around. You can't just pick up a glass and use it because there's no way to know whether it's clean or not. My policy when I'm there is to only eat or drink things that were sealed when they were handed to me. Mr. Kennedy went outside to scrounge around for something to drink, and comes back in with a bottle of water. This would prove to be the only beverage I would have all day.

After mass, we returned to the house where my brother-in-law is fixing dinner. My husband finds not one, but two dozen long-expired eggs in cartons sitting on the counter under piles of crap. They have clearly never been refrigerated. There is no counter space to work on, and the kitchen table is piled at least a foot and a half high all over. Mrs. Kennedy rummages around on the counter for a while and pulls out a pitcher of nearly black ice tea. I hear her mutter, "this will put hair on your chest," and she stirs in some water, and then serves it for dinner. Every salad dressing on the table had been expired for at least a year. I ate some of the twice-baked potatoes that I saw go straight from the freezer to the oven to the table, and that's it. I was too scared to take a chance on anything else. Get me the hell out of here.

Want to Know What I Eat?

2005-12-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

People seem interested in knowing exactly what I eat. I'm thinking of posting the food journal I keep to this blog. If that would be useful or interesting to you, please leave a comment saying so. If a few people want to see it, I'll figure out how to do it.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Restriction Continues

2005-12-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

This morning I ate my omelet, and about 1:00 I ate 3/4 of one of those disposable Ziploc tupperwares of chili with some reduced fat cheese. That's it for the day. I'm not hungry at all.

The tough part now will be not eating when I have the munchies. I have to learn to eat only when hungry, even if that inconveniences others or wastes food. I will dominate head hunger!

Mr. Kennedy got some blood work results back today, and his cholesterol is way down. Good news! However, his bad cholesterol is too low. You read that right. Apparently there is such a thing as too low. He's going to call the doctor to find out what he needs to do to rectify that. Sounds to me like nothing a deep-dish pizza a week won't fix.

I am saddened to hear of the death of John Spencer, who played Leo McGarry on The West Wing. I enjoyed his work, both on TV and in film.

Shopping Spree Total: $440

Hooray!

2005-12-18T18:40:00.000-08:00

Today's lunch was a 5 ounce salmon filet. I tried to eat a couple bites of salad after that, but I was very full and it hurt. Dinner consisted of a bowl of chili, but I drank during the meal and that allowed me to eat a bit more than without drinking. I wasn't hungry for dinner, but I ate anyway because it smelled so good.

Chili is a great weight loss food if you're conscientious about what you put in it. You make a bunch at once and eat off it, so it's convenient. It's very low calorie- a good size bowl of mine is only 5.5 points. It's quality food, and it has a ton of flavor so your taste buds are as satisfied as your stomach.

I went shopping for my Weight Watcher staples today: Progresso 99% fat free minestrone (2 points), salad greens, egg whites, chili stuff, grapes, green beans, pretzels, fish, chicken breasts, Frosted Mini-Wheats. I'm going to get it done now.

Shopping Spree Total: $435.

By Jove

2005-12-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

I think I have restriction.

For lunch today, I could only eat 1/2 of a chicken burrito and a couple of chips. I made an effort not to drink with my meal. For dinner, Mr. Kennedy and I went into the city to try a Thai restaurant. I ate two potstickers, a very small spring roll, and about six bites of curry, and I was so full I about brought it up.

Weekly weigh in: 171, even for the week. I took a good look at what I ate last week, and I need to make better choices.

An Ambivalent Day

2005-12-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a hell of a time getting my omelet down. I thought it was because I was drinking a Diet Coke with it. Dr. Horgan said I can have soda if it doesn't hurt; he doesn't bless having it while eating, though.

Then I ate a Subway sandwich for lunch. I took the barest sip of Diet Coke after the first bite, and it was horridly painful. I concluded it was the soda, and knocked it off for the rest of the meal. I waited until the pain subsided and took another bite. It was every bit as painful as the one with soda involved. I choked down the sandwich, not thinking that I might be restricted.

My fill appointment was interesting, given the fact that Dr. Horgan never showed up and I had to have my fill appointment with Dr. Hot. Dr. Horgan had told me that he wanted to do all my adjustments. Dr. Hot checked me out under the fluoroscope and refused to give me more fill.

I was pretty bent out of shape about that.

Shopping Spree Total: $530

Conference with Jody

2005-12-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

I spoke with Jody today, and told her how much more restriction I had. She asked me if I felt the golf-ball feeling, and I said no. The sliming at BW3 was a good sign. ThatI had salad and bread for lunch today was not. That I feel not-hungry for nearly a day at a time was a good sign.

Ultimately she thought that it was up to me whether I got a little more fill - it could go either way. I made an appointment for Friday, which I may cancel depending on how I feel.

Shopping Spree Total: $520

Hmmm...

2005-12-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

Not a good day on the weight loss front. My weight has bounced up to 173, up two pounds from Saturday. I have no idea how that could be possible - I only ate once all day. That reinforces the idea I have that if I take even one day off from the gym, I not only don't lose, but I actually gain. Total BS.

Speaking of BS, the West Wing wedding last night was a total bait-and-switch. I wanted to see some serious wedding decorations, but nooo. I did love it when Ellie's fiance said that he'd wanted to marry her since their third date, and the President said, "What was wrong with the first two?"

This morning I ate my daily 9:00 a.m. omelet, and I didn't feel like eating again until 3:00 p.m. I had two chicken strips and 2/3 salmon filet (leftovers from the weekend), but I didn't feel that full or slime again. Then I definitely didn't need dinner.

Shopping Spree Total: $515

Not So Tight

2005-12-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

We went to Chili's for lunch today. I had some queso and chips, and then a half cup of black beans and one-third of a salmon filet. I stopped eating on my own, and didn't experience the fullness or sliming again. On the other hand, we ate at 1:00 and I didn't get hungry again for the rest of the day.

Am I restricted, or not?

Getting Excited

2005-12-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

The day started off with a bang, as I weighed in at 171, down three for the week and 37 overall. I tip my hat to Weight Watchers for my hearty drop this week.

I stayed on liquids all day as promised, but I didn't make it to the 48 hour mark. There was a basketball game I wanted to see that was on a channel we don't get at home, so I loaded Mr. Kennedy into the car and drove to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch it there. It's not nice to just sit there and watch the game and not order anything, so Mr. Kennedy and I split an order of the chips and queso, and then I got six "naked" chicken strips. The strips are grilled and don't have any batter or anything on them. It was the best I could do at BW3 - it ain't a health spa.

The chips came out first, and I had about a third of the queso with tortilla chips. I started to feel like I was getting full, so I stopped to wait for my entree. When the strips came out, I ate one of them and felt so full that I started to slime a little, so I stopped. A few minutes passed, and the feeling intensified to the point that I wondered if I was going to have to go the bathroom and bring it back up. I hung in there, and the throw-up feeling gradually went away.

I kept looking into my chicken strips basket and counting the strips, to make sure that I hadn't eaten more than that. There were five in there every time I counted. Five. Five strips. I think I may be restricted.

An interesting side-note: All along the band has made me think more about what I'm eating and how much I eat of it. At this point, it takes a lot less food to look like "a lot" to me. That's been a gradual change, one that sometimes I don't even notice. I'll make an off-handed remark about how I'd eaten so much, and Mr. Kennedy will look at me like I'm crazy.

Shopping Spree Total: $510

Friday's Appointment

2005-12-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Not a good time this afternoon, it wasn't. I went in a bit early for my appointment so I could talk with Jody before we saw Dr. Horgan. When he came in, she took him aside for a few minutes, and then we went back to the fluoroscopy room. I told him that I still didn't have restriction, and he responded, "That's no good, because you hardly have any room left in your band." I asked him for the final answer on what my band could hold, and he told me what he's told me all along: 5.2-5.4 cc is the maximum my band can hold. I burst into tears.

They put me in another room and went to have a powwow. When they put me back into the fluoroscopy room, it was clear that Jody had talked some sense into Dr. Horgan. He didn't give me any of the run-around about how I was losing so quickly that it was loosening the pressure on my stomach. He didn't say anything about how I should just stop eating after 4-6 ounces, or that I should go see the dietician.

Instead, he took all the fluid out of my band and then inserted a dye that shows up on fluoroscopy to check whether the band was leaking. It definitely wasn't. He checked to see how much saline came out when he took it all out. Only 3 ccs came out, and the records indicated that I was supposed to have 4.2 in there. He thinks that it could be a result of one or more of three things:
1. Some of the saline got hung up in the tube between the port and the band.
2. At some point he got some air in the syringe, which in turn got put into the band wth the saline.
3. The band absorbed some of the saline - I've heard of this before, and he said it's not uncommon.

He put back in 3.2 ccs, and had me do a couple barium swallows under fluoroscopy. My pouch did something it's never done before. It bulged a bit when the barium was in it. Normally the pouch has flat sides that taper evenly down to where the band is, looking rather like a cone. This time, mine looked like when you apply icing to a cakse with one of those paper funnel icing applicators that professional cake decorators use. When you squeeze the icing down, it bulges a bit before it gets to the decorating tip. Dr. Horgan was really excited to see that.

Jody gave me a talking-to about staying on liquids after a fill. She says she's noticed that her fills are a lot tighter if she complies with the liquids. I'm going to be really good about it, and try to contain my panic and impatience.

I had an omelet this morning for breakfast at 9:00. As of 10:00 p.m. this evening, I still haven't gotten hungry. My stomach is really noisy, but no hunger. Maybe this may be it?

Step Away from the Snowblower

2005-12-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

Old Man Winter came to Chicago, pulled down his pants, and took a massive snow dump all over the place today. Mr. Kennedy talked me into buying a snowblower last week, and he's outside right now playing with it. I knew I'd come home from work and find him in his Carhart coveralls and coat, pretending to be back on the farm with his new toy. The dear boy is having his fun. I'm glad we bought the snowblower, because if this year is anything like last year there won't be a snowblower to be had in all of Chicagoland after the first snow.

The traffic here today was ridiculous, as the snow storm hit right at evening rush hour. Mr. Kennedy has a 20 mile drive home that normally takes thirty minutes. Tonight it took him two hours and fifteen minutes to make it here. All the people on the train tonight were quite smug as they looked out over the tollways on the way home. Everyone was basking in the virtue of being public transportation-takers. Many expressions of pity for the car people, but all said with a smirk.

To all of my Texas readers: I don't want to hear you guys whine about the cold. We live in Chicago, and THIS is where cold lives when it's taking a break from Minnesota. It's just the same as you not wanting to hear from us about how hot it is during the summer. You know hot. We know cold. Let's stick to our expertise. :)

Today has been an unusual day. I volunteered to teach two classes of eight graders in a public school on the South Side of Chicago about constitutional law. In honor of the season, I taught a lesson about religion in public versus private schools. The first class was a joy, and they got through the whole lesson perfectly and seemed to absorb a good bit.

The second class seemed to be a branch meeting of the Future Felons of America. They didn't do hardly any of the lesson, but they did accomplish the task of trying to look down my blouse. The teacher passed me a note just as class started, saying that this class was "remedial," and perhaps a lesson aimed at more of a fifth or sixth grade level would be successful. Hey, thanks for the information wa after when I could actually use it, jackass. Then he disappeared and left me alone in the classroom with kids who simply would not be quiet.

Maybe Not So Dire

2005-12-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dr. Horgan's office has a person called a patient's advocate, who is a woman who has actually had the band herself. She's basically around for patients to talk to about how things feel inside and answer questions from a first-hand perspective. She called the house on Monday to find out how I was doing, but I wasn't there. We've been exchanging phone messages until she caught me at my office today.

I told Jody all about Friday's appointment, about how he said I had 4.2 ccs in my band, and how he said that food was backing up in my esophagus. I told her about how he just said I needed to see the dietician. She was stunned into silence, and then said, "We don't even use a 4 cc band." Remember, Dr. Nice told me a long time ago that I had a band that held 4-5 ccs. She put me on hold and went to get my chart. Then she told me that I had a band that holds 10 ccs (known to the DFW Bandster Board as "the big band" as opposed to "the small band"), and that the chart indicated that I had either 4.2 or 6.2 ccs in my band at present. She couldn't decipher whether the first hand-written number was a 4 or a 6.

We talked about how I had only brought food up once or twice for lack of chewing, and never for simply eating too much. We talked about how I could eat bread and salad and the entire host of other foods that most bandsters struggle with. She lamented the doctors' tendency to tell everyone to go see the dietician all the time, when the whole point of the band is that this isn't supposed to be such a huge struggle.

In a nutshell, I still have half or nearly half of my band capacity to go, instead of none like Dr. Nice told me. Basically I need to keep getting fills until I'm restricted. There's nothing wrong, and there's no reason to think that this isn't going to work out once we get to the proper fill level. Jody acknowledged that Dr. Horgan is not communicating with me, and she scheduled me for another fill on Friday. She's going to come to my appointment with me and make sure that he understands where I'm coming from.

On the one hand, I am ABSOLUTELY LIVID that Dr. Horgan and his residents were so sloppy in giving me information. I was indeed told that I had the small 4-5 cc band, and I believe Dr. Horgan reiterated that at one of my appointments. I know that he told me that I had 4.0 in my band at my last appointment, and that he added .2 ccs because he was at a point where he was giving my "micro-fills" to try to get it right. I know that he told me that I didn't have restriction because food was backing up into my esophagus, and I know he told me that that couldn't be addressed with fills. If Jody hadn't made that follow-up call, I would have given up completely and not gone back in for another fill, because I didn't think there was any room left.

I am also furious that I need to take someone else to my appointment to get my thoughts across to Dr. Horgan. I am a grown woman and a lawyer, someone others hire to make their case for them. But after having the same conversation over and over with Dr. Horgan and not getting anywhere, I don't think the problem lies with me.

I'm also really pissed that he always acts like I'm some sort of hypochondriac because I'm in there so much. Listen, buddy, you said it's supposed to do X, and if it doesn't do X to come in and see you. Well, here I fucking am. I paid good money for this, and I intend for it to do what you said it was going to do.

On the other hand, I am so damn glad that my band doesn't have a death sentence, I can't bring myself to dwell on the anger. Frankly, I still don't think it's ever going to work, but at least I still have some more things to try before throwing in the towel. And I'm willing to take Jody to my appointments if it means that Dr. Horgan will understand my situation and fix it. Even if I feel like a jackass because it's necessary.

Shiopping Spree Total: $495

Very Bad News

2005-12-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

I apologize for not updating the blog. I got very bad news from Dr. Horgan at my fill appointment on Friday, and I just haven't felt like talking about it. I still don't, but some of you have been asking, so here's the scoop.

Also, for some reason Blogspot is glitching and won't let me indicate that the post comes from a date different than the da I'm actually putting it up. Therefore the entire update will be under today's date, and I'll try to be clear about when things took place.

Friday, December 2

I went in for my fill Friday afternoon, and Dr. Horgan grilled me at length about how my band feels. I asked him how much saline I have in my band, and he said 4.0 ccs. That's very near capacity. After much back-and-forth about what I can eat, he told me that he thinks that my esophagus is very flexible, and it's letting the excess food back up into it. Thus my band doesn't punish me for over-eating. He gave me another .2 cc fill, for a grand total of 4.2 cc.

I am simply devastated. It seems unlikely that I am ever going to have restriction, because what my pouch won't hold, my esophagus will. I got the band because I need to have immediate consequences for over-eating. I am almost flat out of room in my band for more fill. Words don't do justice to how crushed I am to find out that this simply isn't going to work for me. Any further weight that I lose will be lost in just the manner that I lost the first 35 - through diet and exercise. You know, things I could have done for free, without an implant. Things that I haven't stuck to in the past.

Saturday, December 3

This week's weigh in: 174.5, down a half pound. I'm down 33.5 pounds, and have a half pound to go before I'm half-way to goal.

Sunday, December 4

I finally broke down and talked to Mr. Kennedy about how I feel about the news I got on Friday. I've been too heartbroken to even talk to him about it, and I'm not sure that's ever happened before.

He stressed how much less I eat now than before surgery, and credits the band for that. He also thinks that even if I basically have to lose the weight on my own, perhaps the band will help me keep it off. We went to Mass, and I cried through the whole thing.

To add insult to injury, I started taking Seasonale birth control pills today. I am so very pissed that I can't stay on Depo-Provera. I desperately want to avoid getting pregnant, and Depo is so convenient and damn near fool-proof. Plus no periods. I am terrified that I'm going to mess this up and get pregnant. Today was the first time I've ever even seen a birth control pill. They are very tiny.

In case I get all paranoid about side effects later, I've been shedding hair a lot for about a week. That happens to me every so often. It's not at all noticeable, and I don't think it has anything to do with the band. I just wanted to make a note of that, in case I try to blame Seasonale later.

Monday, December 5

I'm trying to pull up my socks about the whole band thing, and regroup. Mr. Kennedy and I decided we're going back on Weight Watchers - it worked before, and it will work again. I bought the 2006 books on ebay, and I'm looking forward to receiving them. Dr. Horgan called the house today to check on me, but I wasn't there. I'll return his call tomorrow. I wonder if it's even worth going in for anymore fills. It seems like all I could do is fill my band up all the way, and then I'd be screwed if I lose belly fat and the band gets even looser than it is now.

Shopping Spree Total: $490

Post-Turkey Weigh In

2005-11-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

I weighed in this morning at 175, down a pound from last week. I had hoped for more, but I still feel that I vanquished Thanksgiving and emerged victorious.

Mr. Kennedy and I bought a new Christmas tree last night. I think we may have overdone it. It's 9.5 feet tall! We drank some wine and decorated it tonight.

On a related note, I would like to state for the medical record that a side-effect of weight loss is increased sex drive. Any thoughts on why? :)

Shopping Spree Total: $445

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

Today was every dieter's hell - Thanksgiving. I think I did pretty well. I just tried to eat a taste of lots of things.

I was kind of excited to see my family. I haven't seen them in a while and I thought someone might notice my weight loss. No one noticed except my mother-in-law, who made a gracious comment about it. Before one might think my in-laws have turned over a new leaf, my sister-in-law piped up and said, "You'd better not go buy any new clothes, though. You have a lot more weight to go." Before you pity me, I should own up to the fact that this comment pissed me off, and I made a none-too-veiled comment about her being a slut later on. I didn't exactly stay on the high road.

Yesterday I started a couch-to-5k program. I don't know that I will ever run a 5k, but I need to change up my exercise routine. I was gratified to learn that I didn't need to begin at the beginning of the program. I could run 5 minutes straight at a time, and then walk one minute, and that put me in the middle of the program.

This morning when I woke up, I was SO SORE. For some reason jogging doesn't strike me as an activity that causes soreness. My hip flexors were really bad, and my abs and inner thighs were touchy too. I'm in favor of anything that makes my abs sore.

Shopping Spree Total: $435.

Eating as Much as Ever

2005-11-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

Mr. Kennedy and I went to a Mexican place for lunch today. I ate half of our appetizer, and all of my entree. It occurred to me that that's exactly what I used to eat before surgery. I am very worried now. Hopefully I can make an appointment to see Dr. Horgan on Wednesday.

176 - Grrrr

2005-11-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

After class this morning with the Benevolent Despot, Mr. Kennedy and I were curled up on the couch watching football. I told him how I'm wearing a size twelve these days, and he asked me if I'm happy about that. Actually, I'm not particularly excited about this, and I don't know why. I guess I feel comfortable about how I look now. I don't look hot or anything, but I don't think I stand out as "The Fat One" in a group anymore. I can tell Mr. Kennedy thinks I look good; I don't think so, but I think that lies more with my head than with my ass.

I weighed in at 176 for the week, up a half-pound. I couldn't expect more, given the food fest last weekend and the food at the conference. Yesterday they served us fried fish and macaroni and cheese for lunch, with rice pudding for dessert. What the hell am I supposed to eat of that? And what are we, nine years old?

I've got to give myself props for something. Lawyers are well-known for being big drinkers, and high end lawyers just drink more of better booze. My firm has a particularly work-hard-play-hard reputation. This conference was a booze-soaked event, beginning with a cocktail hour, moving into a wine-sodden dinner, and ending with a partner opening up a tab at a local bar. Since alcohol is just drinkable calories, I didn't have any the entire time. I've noticed that I get nervous at cocktail parties (you'd think I'd be used to them by now), and I will distract myself with eating or sipping a drink. But I didn't this time, and that is an achievement.

Shopping Spree Total: $425

Lap Dance

Photo Project

We Sold Our House

Appointment with Dr. Horgan

Book Reviews

On the Way Down Again

An offer!

Strange Occurrences

Another Court Appearance

Dearborn Park

House Hunting

I Won!

A Feeling I've Longed For

Ann Taylor Junkie

Off to a Good Restart

The State of My Weight

Apologies!

Confessions

Shopping

Reading Lists

Floundering

Surgery Went Well

Easter Festivities

Quick Weight Report

Spontaneous Tightness

Mr. Kennedy's New Job

Busy Day

Default

The Moment of Truth

Blood Sugar Issues

Java Diva's Question

Anne Klein Lives in My Closet

Goal Weight

Anne Klein

Saturday Weigh In

Size 8

Massage today

Massage tomorrow

Success!

Fish-on-Friday

Zoloft

Shoe Shopping

Saturday Weigh In

Ash Wednesday

Source of New Clothes

Successful Week

Athletes as Role Models

The Agony!

Racquetball

Recommit

Motivation Gone

Losing Motivation

Valentine's Day

Always Behind the Camera

Jujitsu

Mean Girls

A Rash of Barfing

Goal Date

As expected...

Super Bowl Sunday

Shopping Trip

Two More Pounds Gone

Slow and Steady

Why Am I Not a Sex Symbol?

Four Pounds Down!

Miscellany

Muffins are my Enemy

Achievement!

A New Beginning

An End to a Bad Week

Fill Appointment

Liquid Diet

Pull Up My Socks

Not So Fast, Commenter Barb!

Weekly Weigh-In

No Longer Obese

More Questions

Weekly Weigh-In

Taking Questions

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